Well...This is me baring my soul and sharing my story with you....I hope that God's Glory can be seen though it.... This is one of my blogs that I had postponed posting....until now...here is some of my story.
I guess I will start for the beginning...Aug. 9th..WE'RE PREGNANT!! Chad and I have always said we wanted at least three children...I love a big family!...I just wish I could afford it! :) So off to the dr. I go where they confirm that I have this little pea growing inside me. :))) An ultrasound confirms that we have indeed succeeded in producing BABE #3!!
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| So Tiny! |
It makes me smile to think about it. Since this is baby three we did not do crazy reveals to our family...simply told them..although I did have fun telling my fellow teachers..who I just happen to call my friends. I knew they would be excited for us because they new we were not "done" having babies...so I made a little "treat" to help me spread our exciting news. Mrs. Bellman was the only one that was determine it was me from the get go...I am not good at fibbing so it was hard. Mrs. Davis even made a cake to help us celebrate our new "co-pylate". It was so fun!!
A few weeks later...I thought it was odd I was not sick like I was with my other babies...yea I was energy-less and I did have a little nausea at night but with my other two babies I was SICK!! So this caused me to be a little more concerned then normal...but i was not doing anything different then I did before so I kept a trucking. My second Dr. visit I insisted that my Dr. listen to the heartbeat...I had some "spotting" that month so I was not about to leave that office without hearing my babies sweet heartbeat...aaaaahhhh there it was 148 beats per minute...Music to my ears. A little sigh of relief!
That visit lessened my concern..I mean after all I was ten weeks in...I was almost over that "scary" hump of a first trimester. ...but I was still worrying about this preg. (which I did none of with my other two babies.) never could put my finger on it..I know it boiled down to not being sick and just a gut feeling that something may not be right here. However, life keeps ya busy, for me...My family, teaching, photography...all seemed to distract my mind.
We talked about names...Chad had the nerve to suggest.. "Bolt"...really?? yes he did! ha! we both found some names that we agreed on...it was just narrowing them down. We talked about how we wanted to do our house to accomedate our growing family...Plans...we had already begun making many plans for this sweet little baby the lord was making for us.
October 23rd...going to the dr again today. I am now 15 weeks and can not wait to see how our little peanut is growing. We had decided that we would not find out the sex of our baby, it would be a surprise!! So I was armed and ready to tell that ultrasound tech not to ruin it for us! We had just gotten back from Disney so Chad had to work through this appointment...so it was just me. No biggie, this would prob be one of those in and out visits. I go back and chit chat with the nurse....who never takes patients back, she stays behind the computer... well they were busy so she said "come on, I will take care of ya". Once in the exam room she didn't find the heartbeat..ok...really she is not good at this and i have a crazy uterus so..we just gonna wait on dr. vice to find it. As Dr. Vice comes in.. I tell him that I just can not stop "worrying" this preg. He tells me that is what happens when you get old...you "worry" and over analyze. He makes light of my concerns. well....he could not find a heartbeat either...heart skips a beat...he sends me to ultrasound where I have to wait 20 minutes and I have already begun to fall apart with nervous thoughts of what is happening. Finally the tech takes me back...and there she is on the screen in all her glory...a sweet baby with tiny little fingers, tiny little toes, a tiny little spin...she appears to be a blossoming baby....................I lose it at this point...I see no heartbeat on the screen...the room has been dead silent..the tech nor my dr have said nothing at this point....I could no longer look at the screen as they continued to examine me/my baby. I am crushed...I am alone...I am scared......Wait...somebody has got to say something to me!!! I ask what does this mean, tell me what this means...she simply replys, "There is nothing".....I look again at the screen as she says this to me...a beautiful baby there...but "there is nothing"...that was so Confusing and so hard to hear
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Final picture. This is really zoomed in on her.
It is from her right side..her profile is zoomed in on the left,
and that is her chest cavity taking up most of the screen...
the "black hole" is her heart...no beating. |
..I just could not bare to leave those wall...I felt like I was marked with a Scarlet letter and EVERYONE would stare at me as I walked out....I wanted to sit in the corner, in that dark room...alone...a few minutes ago I thought I wasn't gonna be alone for several more months...but now....I have this baby inside me...but I am so alone. No words can describe the heartbreak that I would experience in those moments and in the days to come. .........wooooo this is hard to even type....it takes me back there to those emotions... I miss my baby. That day was long..I had no cell phone...I had left it at home so I could not call anyone..not even my husband to tell him what had happen. I was ready for him to be home with me and just hold me as all these questions spun through my head. I have always felt great sympathy for women who lose a baby but I never knew the pain, the guilt, the heartache that one could face...even only having my baby for the short amount of time that I did.
I know and trust in my savior enough to know that he has lead me down this road for a purpose BUT it does not make the pain any less excrutiating.
I am grateful for family and friends that have found their way of helping us through this. The food, phone calls, cards, text, plants..even my students made cards and sent to me. So sweet.
Only I will have the memory of my baby and oh how I long for heaven even more when I can meet this sweet baby that the lord has decided to postpone our meeting. Miss Sadie Pylate.. Oh the day that I can hold her in my arms...I do wish that April 18th she would be here in my arms but I know her great grandmaws are taking mighty fine care of her until I get there.
